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week 12 | friday evening
[ rhys doesn't really remember how long he's been out here and he... honestly doesn't really care, a feeling he's come to associate with being dead. the listlessness, the apathy, the complete indifference of who arrives and who doesn't. elizabeth's arrival was a shake up to his routine and while he wasn't sure if he was grateful for it or not, it meant that he was able to knock himself out of the mindset he fell into -- the obsessive watching to even see just a scrap of knowledge that he mattered, the crushing loneliness when he realized he didn't, the pitiful need for any sort of explanation that he just... did not get.
he understands why jack killed him, he understands that it wasn't sustainable. that was a mistake rhys was making eyes wide open, he gets that.
... but fiona? he had done so much for her and her for him -- they'd been through so much together! he thought that they were friends, if nothing else, and that she would protect him as much as possible and he in return. he... thought that was the understanding they shared with each other, that no matter how rough things became -- they had each other's backs, even if they were wrong. that was their bond, that was what kept them at each other's side even when heading in such clearly opposite directions. he wonders what changed here, on the pygmalion.
it was hearing that she didn't care that much for him in the end, from some -- some stranger. some woman who didn't know the two of them from anywhere, that for some reason fiona trusted to confide in her more than rhys, that he was just swept under the rug so surely without any second thought? he was sitting next to elizabeth, watching that trial and hearing those words come out of that woman's mouth -- he couldn't do it anymore. he couldn't put himself through this.
he'd... lost everything.
what was the point?
so, he excused himself and left. he walked and walked and kept walking and the thing about being dead is, you don't really need to stop for anything. hunger? sleep? rest? anything like that -- it's unnecessary. it's not something that he needs to prioritize and rhys felt so lost now that he'd truly been abandoned by everyone now that he just... didn't bother prioritizing anymore.
after a while, he found a stream and instead of continuing to walk, he sat. he leaned against a tree, knees pulled to his chest and eyes fixed on the stream running across the ground in front of him and he just stayed like that.
a few days passed, and he continued to stay just like that. sometimes he thought about moving, going back to see elizabeth, going to see who died this week, going to see what happened next but --
... but what was the point? ]
he understands why jack killed him, he understands that it wasn't sustainable. that was a mistake rhys was making eyes wide open, he gets that.
... but fiona? he had done so much for her and her for him -- they'd been through so much together! he thought that they were friends, if nothing else, and that she would protect him as much as possible and he in return. he... thought that was the understanding they shared with each other, that no matter how rough things became -- they had each other's backs, even if they were wrong. that was their bond, that was what kept them at each other's side even when heading in such clearly opposite directions. he wonders what changed here, on the pygmalion.
it was hearing that she didn't care that much for him in the end, from some -- some stranger. some woman who didn't know the two of them from anywhere, that for some reason fiona trusted to confide in her more than rhys, that he was just swept under the rug so surely without any second thought? he was sitting next to elizabeth, watching that trial and hearing those words come out of that woman's mouth -- he couldn't do it anymore. he couldn't put himself through this.
he'd... lost everything.
what was the point?
so, he excused himself and left. he walked and walked and kept walking and the thing about being dead is, you don't really need to stop for anything. hunger? sleep? rest? anything like that -- it's unnecessary. it's not something that he needs to prioritize and rhys felt so lost now that he'd truly been abandoned by everyone now that he just... didn't bother prioritizing anymore.
after a while, he found a stream and instead of continuing to walk, he sat. he leaned against a tree, knees pulled to his chest and eyes fixed on the stream running across the ground in front of him and he just stayed like that.
a few days passed, and he continued to stay just like that. sometimes he thought about moving, going back to see elizabeth, going to see who died this week, going to see what happened next but --
... but what was the point? ]
no subject
... but rhys can't listen to that voice. he never really could, even all the way back when he worked for hyperion. there's a conflict in him when it comes to jack, a desperate need to be on his good side and make jack like him and then an immense disgust at the things jack's done that he can only now understand for the evil that those actions are. if rhys was a better person -- hell, if rhys was any other person, he might be able to navigate these feelings and come out on the right side of it. jack is bad. do not give in to jack. fiona helped him see that clearly but... fiona isn't here anymore, is she?
thing is, rhys is not a good person. rhys is selfish and needy and wants what would make him happy above anything else and right now -- jack... makes him happy. he's lonely and hurt and desperately looking for some sort of connection, someone to make him feel better about not just what happened here on the pygmalion but everything before that too, what happened on helios, what happened on pandora -- everything. he's on some sort of weird emotional precipice here and whatever he says next to jack will pretty much determine how he goes forward, he gets that on some level but it's been a hard few weeks and rhys has never been someone who can deal with this kind of emotional upheaval in a healthy way. if he had support, maybe...
but he doesn't. his support is jack and jack's the one here right now talking to him about how rhys hurt him and how similar they are and how he doesn't understand how they ended up together either and rhys can only sigh. he pushes up from the ground too, brushing leaves and dirt off his pants as he pushes the sleeves of his shirt up his elbows and his hands rest on his hips. he kicks at the ground a little, a small stone flopping into the water after and rhys looks up at jack again. ]
Why not? You say you don't have anything left but -- but neither do I, Jack. You saw how people reacted to my death, you saw how Fiona did -- I've got nothing here. I don't even know if we're going to go back home, you know? What's -- what's even home anyway? Pandora? That planet is a shithole and if Fiona doesn't want me there -- I, I mean. Vaughn's settled, he's happy, but what do I've got? Atlas? What's the point of doing all this if I'm alone? I've got nowhere to go so what's the fucking point? No one wants me around, I'm just a waste of space here.
[ his lets out a frustrated noise and lifts his hands, dragging his fingers through his mud caked hair and kicking at the ground again. ]
I feel... awful too. Shit, I've felt so guilty since fucking Helios that being here with you, being friends or... whatever again, I couldn't take it after a while. I wanted to tell you the truth about what happened -- you know that now, you saw what I said. But I didn't know how or if I should and then I was so upset... the nightmares just got to me, Jack. So... that's why I told you about Angel. That's why I told you like I did, because I wanted to hurt you and I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, it wasn't the right thing to do and I paid for it and -- and because of it I turned into... that thing. Fitting.
[ his hands drop to hug himself again, taking a step back from the shore and further away from jack as he starts thinking about it again. why him? why did the ship pick... him? they must've known the truth, deep down, how awful he really was. that's what rhys has to believe for it all to make sense to him.
otherwise, why would he feel so... alone? ]
So, why wouldn't I want to wipe the slate clean? Look at us, Jack. We're -- we're alone now. [ he's lifts a hand then to start counting off on his fingers. ] No friends. No family. No one out there -- [ a jab of a finger, out of the woods, to the rest of the graveyard ] Gives a shit about either one of us, not really. So, there's no guarantee we'll get anything back or ever even leave this place and I don't want what happened before to hang over my head. The truth is right there laid flat for once, Jack. There's no more secrets between us and I just... don't want to spend the rest of my time here looking over my shoulder, waiting for you to snap and kill me again. That isn't fair. You watched my videos, you heard my side of this -- I've given you everything I've got! There's nothing else for you to take. So just... please don't take anything else.
[ he feels like he's getting off track here, his emotions getting the best of him as he keeps talking through the mush of feelings and trauma and aching despair left in him. if rhys was luckier, maybe this would've been someone else on the other side of this conversation, someone else who would help heal up his fractured ... everything.
but instead, he gets jack and even with rhys' small hope that jack wants to move on just as much as he does, wants to move on with rhys even, rhys knows that the likelihood of that is so small because... rhys doesn't deserve it.
he really doesn't, he thinks.
when he speaks again, it's almost pleading -- like he's hoping on some level that jack can just... say the right thing to make it all better again. isn't that supposed to be what jack does? isn't that supposed to be what heroes do? rhys always thought so and he presses a hand to his forehead, shoulders slumping. ]
... I'm so tired, Jack. I thought death was supposed to be more peaceful than this.
no subject
That was what probably started this bullshit in the first place, he thinks. That was another weird thing to find out that they were similar in. Being alone was always something Jack had taken as a necessity for the dreams he aspired to, but even then, he never felt he was truly alone. His social circle was very small, granted, but the people he held dear to him were so incredibly important to him. He could look at Angel and remember why he was doing everything for her (though the thought of her now is... complicated). He could spend time with Nisha, lay next to her and just have the comfort of having someone that he could put his absolute trust in. And there were those few people where he could at least trust them to an extent. People like Wilhelm and Blake, though calling them friends was definitely a stretch. It wasn't much, but it was enough.
But here... Here, from the very start, Jack had felt an ache of loneliness that he hadn't felt in a very, very long time. He'd recognized it immediately and been frightened by it in a way that only this Jack could be. Here, without the power of Hyperion, but given a role that so desperately needed it because of the secrecy he was sworn to, it was oddly similar to the emptiness of the drive. For weeks, he could look at very face and know that he could have to be the one to kill them. It didn't come with guilt, since he'd long since stopped feeling such a thing. But it came with isolation.
It was different from being inside Rhys where he could torment and tease him at any hour of the day, but Jack had certainly done his damndest to keep it up anyways, much to Rhys's chagrin. It was dragging him to the gym, cooking for him, truly just drowning Rhys in his attention, because Rhys was the one that would bolster his ego and his confidence. But it was probably fitting in the irony. Jack had needed Rhys to do that so that he could continue on with his impossible task at hand, and he had even been the one to suggest them getting handcuffed together essentially for that reason. He'd ended up sharing a bed with the very thing he had been desperately trying to kill.
Jack looks up when Rhys apologizes, but his brow knits together tightly when Rhys speaks of paying for it in what he was. It's not quite for any real empathy for Rhys here that pulls out Jack's response, because in that sentiment... Maybe he does agree in his bitterness. But factually? ]
Now, wait, kiddo—
[ Jack starts to interrupt to respond, but he pauses too when Rhys continues on. Rhys starts to step back, and Jack takes a step forward so that he's nearly standing in the water again. He listens, and there's something like concern in his expression, but there's also a flicker of something familiar that Jack doesn't intend. There's conflict and surprise in Jack's expression in equal parts, and oddly, it's not unlike when Jack had been staring Rhys down as he removed those last cybernetics to "kill" Jack. The reasons for this kind of expression couldn't be more different, but it's a parallel that only Rhys could notice.
He walks through the stream without really caring about the fact that he's getting wet again, and his stride is about as confident as it can be considering the fact that he's carefully stepping through the slick rocks and the water. He comes to the other side of the shore, and he pauses, since he thought Rhys was finished. But before Rhys can even finish the word 'peaceful,' Jack is there to close that last distance. He's aggressive, physical, and pushy in that way he always is, but he simply grabs on of Rhys's wrists to tug him closer.
It's not like the hug he had given Elizabeth earlier, not that Rhys would know. There was a warmth and fondness in that hug, because in her case, Jack had come to genuinely understand her as a person. There weren't any illusions or projections between them anymore, and he had come to care for her as her. But for Rhys, it wasn't that simple. This is an embrace that's passionate in an entirely different way. It's possessive, because Jack needs this.
Whatever this was, Rhys was right. It was better than being alone, and this physicality is the only way Jack knows to convey that sentiment. ]
no subject
so, they have nothing else (or at the very least, the both of them feel as if they don't) and that's a pretty dangerous place to be because then that means... they only have each other. rhys has jack and jack has rhys and that's... okay? it might be okay. rhys doesn't think he's very wrong in assuming that that's what this hug means and as the realization settles on him, he holds jack impossibly tighter and takes a step closer because jack can't leave him. not now, not after this.
maybe there's something weird about this, so desperately clinging to his own murderer but it's the same in reverse too, isn't it? rhys killed jack just the same when he ripped his cybernetics out and jack's voice just a moment ago, jack's expression before he crossed over to him, it holds that same kind of weight of that moment but this time -- this time rhys isn't going to make the mistake of letting jack go. jack said he's not going to kill him and jack doesn't lie so rhys knows that something changed here to make this possible.
his feelings for jack aren't even hero worship anymore, he thinks, and while he's not sure what to call them -- he just knows that he can't... do this without jack, whatever "this" happens to be. trying to deal with it after helios was too much, trying to fight it while on the pygmalion failed, and being without it here in this weird graveyard they find themselves in -- that was even worse. they're entwined now in some way and rhys really doesn't want to go without jack anymore. it just... hurts too much to do so, rhys gets that now.
so, mumbled against jack's shoulder with hands still so desperately clinging to him, jack will hear rhys' voice -- quiet and sad. ]
Don't leave me again, Jack. Please.
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He doesn't hug Rhys tighter as he clings in return, but that could be because at least for half of the hug, guy's got a strong grip. Jack almost laughs when he realizes it, because there's always something hilarious about Rhys forgetting that he has one arm that's super useful, but now isn't the moment for that. When Rhys speaks, Jack hesitates briefly, because what comes to mind might be a bit too much. He can recognize that it's probably a little weird, but-- It's just Jack being a physical guy more than any sentiment. Or at the very least, whatever that sentiment was, it was still somthing muddled and confusing to him.
So he turns his head slightly towards Rhys so that he can kiss Rhys's temple very lightly before he rests his cheek against Rhys's head. He's the calmer one here and that carries in his tone, because really, he hasn't suffered at all compared to what Rhys has been through. However, that's not something Jack himself is aware of. ]
I'm not leaving, Rhys. Promise.
[ It's a crueler promise than he knows. He's absolutely the last thing that Rhys needs, but Jack, ever selfish, just wants someone, anyone to rely on him like this. There's nothing left of the empire he'd worked so hard to build, but at least one person can give him the sense of purpose and responsibility that he always craves so desperately. ]
no subject
yet, rhys is still blind. instead, he feels satisfied and whole and a smile spreads across his face as his arms loosen slightly. the hug becomes less desperate and more just a comforting hold on one another. jack's not going to leave him and that -- that makes everything better for rhys. he feels... content. he feels like he can think clearly for the first time since arriving here, like his world has shifted back into place. he's not alone anymore.
he feels like he has to say something here, give something back to jack in thanks for jack helping realign his world again. he doesn't want to pull back from the hold, even as the water and mud makes it less and less comfortable as the moments pass so, he just pulls his head back to look at jack. ]
Hey, uhm. Good job, by the way, with the -- the aliens and stuff. I really didn't think you'd help anyone but you... did so. I guess I'm proud of you? I dunno.
[ he shrugs and it's light and a little embarrassed but they both know rhys has been watching and from rhys' perspective -- as broken and skewed as it is -- he truly believes jack did his best, that he was part of the hero rhys once thought him to be. so, he's proud, genuinely so. ]
no subject
Yeah, well... Could've done better. Would have loved to have gone down taking the last fucker out, but, eh, what'll you do, I guess?
[ Jack seems pretty casual about it, but in reality, he's more than a little upset than he hadn't. However, since he doesn't remember hardly anything of his death or even who to blame, that at least softens that feeling for now. That, and of course Rhys's praise is what he wants to hear here. He'd hated peoples' assumptions about him and the sort of man he was, so finally hearing someone thank him for his work was something of a relief. It's a surprise to him, but it's one that he seems pretty genuinely thankful for, even if he doesn't quite say that. He gives Rhys a pat on the shoulder then steps past him to motion for Rhys to follow as they head back to "civilization" or at least what apparently passes for it in death. ]
...By the way, though. I don't blame you for the alien thing, kiddo. I know you had no way of knowing. So... Yeah. If you were worried about that? Don't be.
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so, instead he follows jack dutifully, flesh hand fidgeting with robot hand as he still tries to shake out the last bit of the water. he's not really thinking too hard about it other than his delight to be around jack again when jack's words catch him off guard. ]
Wait, what?
[ he blinks, shock covering his face as he stops in his tracks and just -- no? jack was wrong, it was all tied up together. he deserved being an alien because he had betrayed jack so badly, doesn't jack see that? he gives a shake of his head and moves forward quickly, hand reaching out to curl around jack's elbow and tug him to a stop. ]
But it was deserved, Jack. If -- if anyone on this ship deserved that happening, it was me, for betraying you. Isn't that why you shot me? You had to know that would happen.
[ rhys' experiences with his alien were individual, were tied up in his guilt over killing jack and his abandonment from fiona. he never even talked to elizabeth about how he really felt about it, so sure in what he knew to be "true" that he hadn't felt the need to bring it up. now though, jack makes him question it and it's -- it's weird. jack has to see what he sees, right? ]
no subject
...No, I didn't, Rhys.
[ There's no nickname this time, because even Jack is aware of the gravity of what he's admitting here. Perhaps if he hadn't watched those videos, his response here would be harsher, maybe even proud, but... That feeling had quickly faded with each one he watched. He still felt stupid about that, too. Watching someone's friggin' diaries shouldn't do that. It should be filled with juicy secrets and hilarious bullshit that he could totally fuck with Rhys about, not... What he found. He had gone searching for answers as to why Rhys chose to betray him, but he'd ended up with much more than he bargained for.
Jack sighs and looks to the side, and he almost seems uncomfortable here. This conversation is a difficult one for him to navigate, since he wants to say the right thing here. It's not quite the right thing in the sense that it would soothe Rhys's worries, but he just wants to explain whatever had come from taking the time to dig through those videos. ]
Look— I shot you because... I lost my temper. Wish I could say it was more than that. But, uh. Wasn't.
[ He makes an discontent noise, then looks back to Rhys, but his jaw is set rather tightly in how uncomfortable he is about trying to put this into words. ]
It was still-- I mean, no, I won't repeat myself here. I said my thoughts on it. But, kiddo, I didn't get where it was coming from in the first place then. [ He shrugs ] Now... Now, I guess I kinda do.
[ "Kind of," but he's also trying to underplay it here out of his own ego and his own difficulty in expressing what he feels. It's one thing to know he relates to someone more deeply than he had ever expected, but it's completely another for him to actually express that. At least, so far as Jack is concerned. He's hardly so fully trusting of Rhys to open up like that again so easily. So instead of that explanation behind it that prompts the words, they might seem almost abrupt for Jack, since none of the thoughts behind it will be very clear to Rhys. ]
So— So, look. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, alright? I fucked up and lost my temper, and this- [ He motions between them ] Yeah, this is what we've got to show for it.